man, this last month has been insane.

oh, who am i kidding? my life is a soap opera, you get drama at every turn.

fuck expectations, i'm so tired of not making mistakes and having to cry through other peoples. i'm living by saying yes, not saying no; trying everything once.

LIVING life, not just being alive.

and you know, i'm still alive, i'm still here.

and i'm feeling just a bit better, like sparks through my veins.

i have still have no idea where i'm heading, but i'm okay with that for now.

gabii. says: i think this house just makes me sad

...it's weird how a random statement makes you think.

there's the front door. once, i sat behind it staring at it for over half an hour; then i started crying. My sisters asked why; there was nothing wrong, my parents were going to be home soon, but I cried, and cried.

They walked through the door and said, "Your mother has cancer."

there's the dining room, where my sister sat crying hysterically for over a day, because my parents just couldn't forgive her for a childish mistake; and when she dried out of tears, she went to her bedroom.

there's the bottom of my stairs, where my mother once said to me, "I may have to love you, but I don't have to like you." before throwing a bin in my back.

there's the kitchen, with too much bitterness and petty fights to recall.

there's the office, next to the bedroom. once, my parents spent a night screaming and hurtling their hatred like plates, before they moved to the kitchen and began using actual plates. when they ran past, screaming, they noticed me sitting there, crying silently; and so whisperscreamedfought instead.

there's the kitchen table. i found out about my father's affair there; i could never forgive him for making my sister cry for so long over something so stupid when he was fucking some whore, loving some whore in another country when he couldn't even hug me.

there's the bathroom, with the depression and the eating disorders and the sadness and loneliness and self hatred reflecting off tiles and mirrors and walls.

there's my bedroom. so many tears.
too many memories.

sometimes, i think it's best to move on.

if only i fucking could.

you know what? I HATE THIS. i hate the fact that i feel my life can be defined by a single line of a coldplay song (everything i do, it just comes undone), i hate the fact i can't get inside your head.

i hate the fact i now get it when it goes, "when you get what you want but not what you need."

look, i know i'm insanely crazy, but i get like that for a reason.

it's like we said, bambi; life has on a hook and everytime we get a bite of something good, it turns out to have a hook waiting to bring you back to reality.

like, WAKE UP. NOTHING WILL WORK OUT FOR YOU.

and i'm hopeless and confused and scared because i don't know what the fuck i'm doing with myself. i have no goals, no dreams, no ambitions and i just feel so goddamn alone.

i'm eighteen.

there's no safety anywhere anymore.

and you said your world is changing.

well, mine is falling apart and I'm clinging desperately to the pieces, and I still know what I want.

and if you want to stop hurting me, stop playing innocent when everyone else comments on it. so make up your fucking mind.

I love you, but you're killing me.

so what if you're bi, get the fuck over it. it's not keeping you up at night. but you know what keeps me up at night?
I'm panicking about money and costs and getting my license if I move out and confronting my father and struggling with an eating disorder and depression and realising I'm so fucking terrified about the future, and i have no fucking clue what I'm doing or where I'm going and as of March 15th this year, all bets are off. there's no limits, no boundaries anymore.

no one really wins this time.

So, I'm finally graduated; as in got on stage and got the piece of paper. Along with it, we got a letter that we wrote to ourselves in Year 10.

I feel like I finally understand what one step forward, two steps back means.

For someone that has come so far, I really haven't.

In Year 10, I didn't want to write the letter, and mentioned that repeatedly; but I thought it was important enough to put down my current weight.

And in a corner of an envelope, the only message that really showed what was going on underneath;

I hope you're doing better.

And some days I think I am, and some days I'm not.

And I can't fix me, and if scientists can't fix me, who can?

But maybe I'm getting there. Or at least it's getting easier.

I can be content these days, satisfied in the small things, and I think that counts as more than one step.

rpoeroh we just had a HOTTY FRENCH ARTIST come to our door (selling paintings, BUT THE REASON HE WAS HERE IS NOT IMPORTANT, IT IS THE FACT THAT HE WAS A. FRENCH, B. HOT.) He was so cute and omg I was in my PJ's and talking to him. He was asking me about my exams and my subjects, and he was like, "Ah, no french? "You should learn French; it teaches you an appreciation for my country."
"I used to when I was younger, but I didn't like doing it at school."
"Heh. Je t'aime." and he grinned.

SORRY FOR THE FLUTTERY POST BUT AW AW AW. I LOVE MY RANDOM SUBURB.

ps. I am freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

I spent this morning in the emergency department and sweet goodness, I know why people never want to go to hospitals.

it's not the smell.

IT'S HOW FUCKING LONG YOU HAVE TO WAIT FOR EVERY DAMN THING.

>:/ I was highly disappointed there was no JD to distract me either.

HIATUS.

too much going on at the moment, not enough time. i'll probably be reading flist; it's just i won't be updating.

shall be back in about two months.

OMG.

WORD ATE MY PHOTOGRAPHY RESEARCH.

DIE MICROSOFT, DIE.

Though, don't, because I really need my laptop. :/ ilu blaisey.

Yes, this is going to be my first post in over two months. AND IT IS VITALLY IMPORTANT, AS YOU CAN SEE.

you know how you can tell your best friend is now your former best friend?

she ~*no longer has you added on myspace*~. haha.

I am a little sad that that stage of my life is really, finally over but, friendship is not politics and I am sick of being hurt.

so, fuck you and your double standards, for being manipulative and unfeeling, for never letting me in and never letting me be needed in return.

I've learnt that friendship is meant to be easy; it is not meant to be as complicated as we make it. live for the people you click with, where nothing is expected but given and taking is equal.

I love you all.

I was the glue that kept my friends together, now they don't talk and we don't go out.

Brand New are so helpful haha.

ahahahah ohnotheydidnt brings the lolz to the yard re: Australia.

thetightrope: Yeah, that's basically because you don't understand it. And only a tiny percentage of White Australians are descendants of convicts. Srsly, educate yourself. There's more than twenty million people here now, a vast number of whom are white. You think we're all the spawn of convicts?
scarletinside: Well, yes. *Shrugs*

AHAAAAAAHAHAHAHA.

YOU KNOW WHAT I REALLY HATE.

THE FACT THAT BLOOD POURS OUT OF MY VAGINA ONCE A MONTH.

I AM SO OVER PHRASING THAT NICELY.

This last month and a bit, despite being absolutely terrible, has been pretty good.

I am learning to be more "adult"; I have moved on and discovered it was far easier then I anticipated. I resolve issues and communicate within a relationship, and in return has someone who wants to do the same.

I may have a plan for the future, I may not. I'm changing my current plan and reassessing everything around me.

So, I'm okay. Or, I will be.

I guess this is what they call growing up.

him hurting makes me feel sick.

but I can't stop it because I know that there's an element of truth to it.

So, I went to the doctor yesterday. It was interesting, to say the least. I went due to a physical health issue which after being on medication for it, may be due to mental issues. Anyhow, I have to have blood tests done, etc. During the process, I was weighed.

Despite the fact I am actually over eating to extremes at the moment, I am now the same weight that I was at the height of my eating disorder.

My body is so incredibly fucked. :/

And every time you feel like crying, I'm gonna try and make you laugh. And if I can't, if it just hurts too bad, then we will wait for it to pass and I will keep you company through those days so long and black. - Bright Eyes, Bowl of Oranges.

There are people that follow this.

They have kept me sane.